Unrecovered
by purplepagoda
Summary: Maura's life has been filled with secrets, and lies. Most of her past, has been made up of half-truths, and unanswered questions. Secrets have been kept from her, her whole life. What happens, when her biggest secret, is the one that she's kept from the world? Will she keep it forever, or share it? Her biggest secret, eats at her.
1. Hidden

She thinks about her current situation. The biological mother that she's never known. Spending most of her life, with more questions than answers. Wondering, what was wrong with her, that she wasn't wanted. She sits in her kitchen, sipping wine, feeling slightly guilty. Secrets have a tendency to eat away at us, until we can't take it anymore.

She drinks until the bottle is half empty. She takes a deep breath, and leaves the kitchen. She sloppily climbs up the stairs, to her room. She heads into her room. She makes a right, at the closet. She flips on the light, and slowly crosses to the back of the closet. She bends down, and begins her excavation. She digs through the shoe boxes. She finally finds the one that she's looking for.

The box itself doesn't look out of place, because it's a shoe box, in a closet full of shoes. At closer look, though, it clearly doesn't fit. The box is tattered, held together by duct tape. The shoes are not name brand. Maura takes the lid off the box. She peeks inside.

She digs through the contents. Of course, it's not surprising to her, that there are no shoes inside. She digs through the box of memories, her memories. Things she never wanted to forget. Others, that she had struggled with her whole life. The ones, that she wished so badly she could erase.

She pulls a picture out of the pile. She files everything else back in it's place. She puts the box back, and just studies the picture for some time. She stares at the innocent baby, wondering how anyone could ever give her away. She stuffs the picture back into the box, and closes the lid, again.

She leaves the closet, and heads to the shower. When she finishes she pulls on silk pajamas, and falls into bed. She closes her eyes, willing sleep to come, knowing that it won't come easily. Eventually it does, but it brings dreams. Her slumber is interrupted by a terrible nightmare.

It's 4 AM, and she's been up for three hours. She sits at the island, in the kitchen, sipping coffee. She finishes the mug of coffee, and makes a beeline for the couch. She flips on the TV, and watches the news. She falls asleep, as the 5 o'clock comes on.

The ringing phone wakes her. She rolls over, and grabs it off the coffee table, without looking. She answers, sheepishly.

"Dr. Isles," she yawns, "Ok, I'll be there shortly."

She gets ready to leave, quickly. She pulls her hair back into a pony tail, and tosses on the first decent thing that she can find.

Hours later, Jane gets off the elevator in the basement. She looks in autopsy, but Maura isn't there. The tech looks up at Jane, and smiles.

"She's in her office," he informs her.

"Thanks," Jane nods.

Jane steps into Maura's office, and finds her sitting at her desk, staring blankly at her computer screen. Jane reaches the desk , without Maura noticing. Jane clears her throat. Finally, Maura looks up, as Jane takes a seat.

"Is there something on your mind, today?"

"No, why?"

"You seem really distracted," Jane points out.

"I'm fine," Maura argues.

"Must I remind you that you aren't a good liar?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You love to talk."

"No, I don't."

"Maura? Come on. Just tell me what's going on. Did I do something?"

Maura shakes her head, "The world does not revolve around you."

"So it has nothing to do with me?"

"Exactly."

Jane pulls a phone out of her pocket, she hands it to Maura, "You left this in my car," Jane rises. She steps away from the desk, and closes both of the office doors.

"Thank you. Why are you closing the doors?"

Jane pulls a scrap of paper out of her pocket, she hands it to Maura. "I am guessing that your distraction may have something to do with this."

Maura takes the folded piece of paper, "What is this?"

"Your phone rang a dozen times, while I had it."

"You answered it?"

"It was the same number. I thought that it might be important."

"Who was it?"

"A lady named Teresa McCoy. She said that she needed to talk to you. I asked what it was about, but she wouldn't tell me. She thought that you would know why she was calling."

"Ok, thank you."

"So who is she? And why was she calling?"

"I don't know."

"Why are you lying? What's going on?"

"Jane I don't want to talk about it."

"What has you so depressed today?"

"Something."

"That you don't want to share?"

"Exactly."

"Why today? Did something special happen today? I mean, it's a Tuesday. July 10th, isn't..."

"Jane, I would really appreciate it, if you could just leave me alone, for now."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I am worried about you."

"You have no reason to be."

"You haven't started your autopsy yet. You're usually done by now."

"I finished an hour ago."

"You didn't call to let me know."

"I am still examining all the findings."

"Why can't you just tell me what's bothering you?"

"There are some things that you don't need to know."

"Maura," Jane argues, "You're my best friend."

"That may be true, but I don't always do the right thing. Some times, I am not a very good person."

"Whatever it is, I'm sure that..."

Maura cuts her off, "I am not going to talk to you about it."

"Fine," Jane nods, and leaves the room.

As she gets onto the elevator, she decides that she is going to figure out what is bothering Maura, whether she wants to talk about it, or not.


	2. Mistakes

Jane makes it her mission to uncover what Maura is hiding. It makes its way to the back burner, when their case picks up. But, by Friday, they have caught their perpetrator.

Saturday, Maura meets Jane for lunch. Jane watches her best friend, closely. Maura sips her drink, in silence.

Jane interrupts the silence, "Maura, you know that you can tell me anything, right?"

Maura looks up, she furrows her brow, "Jane, I don't want to talk about it."

"I do."

"No."

"Maura, there are some things that you shouldn't keep to yourself. Sometimes you have to share."

"Says the woman, who locks everyone out."

"Maura, that's unfair."

"It's true, isn't it?"

"We're not talking about me."

"We're not talking about me, either," Maura tells her.

"Maura, come on."

"Jane, I can't tell you everything."

"Why not? What do you think is going to happen."

"You just wouldn't understand."

"You're wrong."

"Why do you keep badgering me about this?" Maura wonders.

"Because I can see that it's something that makes you uncomfortable. It's something that really bothers you. Things like that shouldn't be kept a secret."

"I am not going to tell you."

"If you don't want to talk about it, that's up to you, but I already know. I know, and it doesn't matter."

"Know what? You don't know," Maura argues.

Maura's phone rings. She pulls it out of her purse, and looks at the number on the screen. She puts it to her ear, and answers.

"Hello? Yes. Sorry, I've been busy, I hadn't gotten the chance yet. Um... I don't think it's a good idea. Ok. You, too. Bye," she hangs up her phone. Jane shoots her a look, as she returns her phone to her purse.

"What?"

"I can see that you want to talk about it," Jane points out.

"Why are you so interested, in whatever it is, that I'm not telling you?"

"Because I'm your best friend, and I hate when you're like this. I hate when you shut down, and shut everybody out. First of all it's annoying, and second of all, it worries me. I wish you would just tell me. Get it off your chest. You don't have to bury everything, all the time. It just bubbles up to the surface later, and, always at the wrong time."

"You know all about burying things, don't you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You ignore your emotions, almost completely."

"Maura, you do the same exact thing."

"Can we please talk about something else?" Maura begs.

"Whatever," Jane rolls her eyes, as the waitress approaches with their food.

Maura climbs into her car, after lunch. She watches, as Jane pulls away, in her rearview mirror. Maura slowly puts her seat belt on. She sits in the a/c, unmoving. She tries her best to keep her composure, but it proves impossible. She begins to cry.

The truth was, she had always been hard to love. Sometimes, behind all of her confidence, and self-assuredness, she was small, and scared. There were some days that she didn't love herself, because of the person she was. Or, rather, the person that she had become. It was her burden, from the day that she was born. It was a burden that she didn't want to share, with anyone, even if they offered. She wipes the tears from her eyes, and takes a deep breath. She looks over her shoulder, and pulls out of her parking space.

When she gets home, she showers, and climbs into her bed, even though it's the middle of the afternoon. She sinks into her bed, pulling the covers over her head. The down comforter over her head, nearly suffocates her. She feels herself losing it. And, she feels herself letting go, because she doesn't want to hold on, anymore.

Jane opens the door. She's in her pajama's because it's nearly midnight. She finds Maura standing in the doorway, with a tear stained face.

"Are you coming in, or not?" Jane questions.

Maura steps it. Jane closes the door behind her. Maura doesn't say anything, she just takes a seat on her couch.

"Are you ready to talk about it?"

"No," Maura shakes her head.

"Then what are you doing here?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"That's not my fault."

"I just..."

"If you don't want to talk about it, then why are you here?"

"Because..." she pauses, trying to come up with the right thing to say, "I don't know what to do, anymore."

"Ok," Jane takes a seat.

"Do you know that I have a tattoo?"

"No, you don't," Jane argues.

"I do, too."

"You're too much of a prude to get a tattoo," Jane argues.

Maura rolls down the top of her yoga pants, slightly, to reveal a rose tattoo, on her hip. Jane furrows her brow, in confusion.

"Is that new?"

"No."

"Why didn't I know about it?"

"Because I try hard to keep it a secret."

"Why? It doesn't look that bad."

"Because it's a reminder."

"Of what?"

"Youthful indiscretions."

"I can't imagine that you ever had any youthful indiscretions."

"I did. I was an eighteen year old freshman in college. I went to my first party, and I drank, too much. When I woke up, I had a tattoo."

"You're lying," Jane argues.

"It's the truth, I swear."

"So, why are you telling me this?"

"I was young once, and I did some very stupid things."

"Everyone was young once," Jane points out.

"Not everyone made the mistakes that I made."

"Maura what mistakes are you talking about?"

"You said that you knew."


	3. Secret

"Knew what?"

"My secret."

"I know that someone from an adoption agency contacted you. I just assumed that it was because you were looking into adoption."

"No. It's not."

"Oh."

"I haven't always been so put together. I made a lot of mistakes, ones that I would like to take back."

"We all have."

"Not like this," Maura argues.

"Ok."

Maura hands Jane a picture. Jane looks at the picture, and then at Maura.

"It's not me," Maura admits.

Jane furrows her brow, in confusion. "Ok?"

"I think that I should go home."

"You can stay..."

"No, I want to go home. I'm not ready to talk about it."

"Ok," Jane nods.

Maura leaves, and heads home. She doesn't sleep well, and wakes up early. She heads into her bathroom, for a shower. Fifteen minutes later, she is getting dressed. She stops, after putting her undergarments on. She stares at the tattoo on her hip. A constant reminder, of a night that she would like to forget. A night, along with a couple others, that she _could_ never forget.

The first year in college, she hadn't been much different than her peers. She gave into peer pressure, but she always went to class. The first year, in college, was her worst. With lots of drama, and a GPA of just 3.8. A hard year, that always stuck out in her mind.

She traces the tattoo, with her finger. She shakes her head. Aesthetically, there was nothing wrong with it. It was just a physical reminder of something that she wished to forget.

When she wakes up, the following morning, she hears the TV on, downstairs. She gets dressed, and heads down the stairs. She finds Jane sitting on the couch, watching the morning news. She tilts her head, looking at her friend, in confusion.

"What are you doing here?" she inquires, stopping at the end of the couch.

"Waiting on you to get up."

"What time is it?"

"Ten o'clock," Jane informs her.

"I didn't meant to sleep so late."

"You didn't get much sleep last night, did you?"

"No," Maura admits, takings a seat on the couch.

"Ma left a while ago."

"Where did she go?"

"To clean Frankie's apartment, which, knowing my brother, is going to be an all day process."

"Why are you here?" Maura questions.

"I told you, I was waiting on you to get up."

"Why?"

"I thought that you might want to go for a run."

"No," she shakes her head, "I don't really feel like it."

"Maura talk to me."

"Did you know that I was seventeen, when I graduated high school?"

"Yes."

"I was barely eighteen when I went to college."

"I know."

"My whole life, most of my decisions were made for me. I was told what to do, when to do it, where to be, and when. I had no clue what it was like, to be on my own. I had never even done my own laundry, before."

"That must have been hard."

"I envied the kids, like you, who had real world skills, that I was never taught. I had a very hard time. I made a lot of stupid mistakes."

"We all make mistakes."

"A lot of mistakes, that I regret."

"Like bleaching your favorite pair of pants?"

"I never did that. Like, getting a tattoo, and going to parties, that I never should have been at."

"Maura, everyone goes to parties, in college. Everyone has too much to drink, and does something stupid."

"Not like this."

"What do you mean?"

"I wish that I could keep it a secret forever," Maura responds.

"Because you're ashamed, that you're human, and you make mistakes, too?"

"I am ashamed that I was too young to know better. I wish that things could have been different, that I had chosen differently, and more wisely."

"You were eighteen," Jane points out.

"It's not an excuse. I was an adult."

"Legally, at eighteen, you're still a kid. There are a lot of things that you think that you know, that you don't."

"I don't know how..." Maura trails off.

"It's ok," Jane tells her.

"No, it's not. Do you know what it's like, to live with a decision that you regret, every single day of you life?"

"No," Jane admits.

"I do. I feel as if I carry around this burden, all the time, because I have this deep dark secret that I can't tell anyone. That I have never told anyone, not a single soul. And the worst part is, that most times, I don't even want to admit it to myself. I try, foolishly, to pretend that it never happened. No matter how hard I try, it never goes away."

"So, maybe it's time to tell."

"I used to be petrified of what other people would think of me, if they knew, but I don't really think about that, much, anymore.

"It's me, you're talking to. Just tell me."

"I can't," she argues.

"Of course you can. Start by telling me about the picture," Jane suggests.

Maura sniffles, blinking away tears, "I can't tell you about that, yet."

"Ok," Jane nods, trying to understand, "Then start from the beginning."

"Ok," Maura nods, in agreement.


	4. Path

"It started with a boy, in my psychology class. I was completely smitten."

"Ok."

"And, one day, he asked me to go to a party with him."

"Where there was alcohol, and lots of it?" Jane guesses.

"It was a Halloween party."

"Did you have a good time?"

"We drank, a lot. We ended up in a tattoo parlor, after the party, in the early morning hours."

"Lovely."

"He told me I should go back to his apartment with him."

"Because you hadn't drank like that before, and he wanted to keep an eye you?"

"Exactly."

"But you were young, and naive, and that wasn't the real reason."

"Right," Maura nods.

_Sunday, October 31st, 1993-_

_Maura opens her eyes, and slowly surveys her surroundings. She sees the body lying next to her, in the bed. She tries to stifle her feelings of shame. She slides out of the bed, and collects her clothing. She gets dressed so quickly that she doesn't notice the tattoo on her hip. She slips her shoes on, and leaves the apartment. _

"Was he your first?" Jane questions.

"No," Maura shakes her head.

"But he wouldn't talk to me, afterwards. I never saw him, again, after that class ended. He graduated that spring, and I never heard from him, again," she begins to break down.

"Take your time," Jane tells her, pretty certain of what's to come.

Maura dabs the tears from her cheeks, with a tissue. "I think, that this was a mistake."

"Maura," she says softly, "It's ok, you can tell me."

"I can't. I want to, but I can't."

"Yes, you can," Jane argues.

"It will change things," Maura counters.

"No, it won't. It won't change anything."

"It did then, and it will now."

"Maura, that was a lifetime ago. I am your best friend. One secret, is not going to change that."

"What if I'm about to tell you that I am a serial killer?"

"I'll try to help you not to get caught."

"You would not," Maura nearly laughs.

"No, but I would make sure that you got a great lawyer, and I would be in court every day, to support you."

"Would you testify?"

"No, I wouldn't testify against you."

"Even if they held you in contempt?"

"Nope."

"I'm not a serial killer."

"I know."

"I am a lot of things, but a serial killer, is not one of them."

"Tell me the rest of the story."

"I just don't know if I can."

"You have been carrying this burden for too long, Maura. Just tell me."

"I've never told anyone."

"No one? Not a sorority sister, or maid, or anyone?"

"Nobody. I have never told anybody."

"So tell me."

"I wanted to be a doctor," Maura continues.

"I couldn't do my job without you," Jane reassures her.

_December 23rd, 1993-_

_Maura finds herself, alone, in a mostly empty college town, for Christmas. She's sitting in the lobby, of her dorm, reading a book, when someone comes into the room. She looks up, from her book, and sees the housekeeper emptying the trashcan, nearby. Maura smiles weakly._

_"Maura, you're not going home for the holidays?" she asks._

_"No. My parents won't be there, and I would prefer to stay here, I can prepare for next quarter, that way."_

_"Are you feeling alright?" she inquires._

_"Why do you ask?"_

_"You look kind of pale," she comments._

_"Can I ask you something?" _

_"Sure," the housekeeper nods._

_"How long have you worked here?"_

_"Twelve years."_

_"Twelve years, you don't seem that old."_

_"I bet you're wondering how someone ends up as a toilet jockey."_

_"I..."_

_"It's ok, a lot of people do. I mean, it's not a calling."_

_Maura smiles._

_"I wanted to be a lawyer. I knew that it was going to be tough, because I was the first in my family to go to college. I worked really hard to earn scholarships, which paid for most of my expenses. I was a junior, when I found out, that my plans would have to change."_

_"What do you mean? Your scholarships ran out?"_

_She shakes her head, "I got pregnant. I finished that year, but I had to find a job, to support my son. I ended up here, because of the decent pay, but mostly for the benefits."_

_"How old are you?"_

_"Thirty three. My son will be thirteen soon. He's grown up so fast."_

_"You could have finished," Maura points out._

_"He came first. I don't regret it, for a second."_

_"I don't understand, how could you just give up on your dream, like that?"_

_"I didn't give up on my dream, I just found a new one."_

_"Will you ever go back to school?"_

_"Hopefully, one day," she answers._


	5. Truth

_December 25th, 1993-_

_She looks outside her window, at the thick blanket of snow, starting to form. The warmth, coming from the radiator in her room, makes her apprehensive to venture out. Finally, she decides, that she cannot put it off, any longer. She grabs the box, and leaves the dorm room. She heads into the bathroom, bundled in several layers, to avoid being penetrated by the cold air. _

_She sits in the stall, staring at the box, shaking her head, in disbelief. She stares at her watch, for what seems like an eternity. Finally after a few minutes, she is able to look at the object in her hand. She reads, and re-reads the results half a dozen times. _

_"Unbelievable," she murmurs, to herself._

* * *

Maura finishes, and Jane just watches her, waiting for her to continue.

"You didn't know?" Jane questions.

"I was too busy studying to notice that anything was different."

"You really never told anyone?"

"Who would I have told? I didn't have friends. My mother would have disowned me, so that didn't leave anyone to tell. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I just knew, that I couldn't end up like Cate. I was too selfish. I couldn't put my life on hold, or put my dreams aside, for an accident. I couldn't be happy, about an unplanned pregnancy."

"So, you unplanned it?"

"Huh?"

"You decided that you didn't want a child, so you didn't have one?"

"Jane, I decided that I was not emotionally ready to have a child."

"So you chose not to."

"Sort of."

"You don't have a kid, so what you're trying to tell me, is that you had an abortion."

"No."

"No, that's not what you're telling me?"

"That's not what happened."

"So, what? Nature..."

"July tenth, 1994," is all Maura tells her.

"July 10th? That is why you were so upset?"

"Yes."

"It was born on July 10th."

"Exactly."

"What was wrong with it?"

"What, are you talking about? There wasn't anything wrong."

"But, it didn't make it?"

"Jane, he's eighteen years old, now. That is why the adoption agency was contacting me."

"You're telling me that, somewhere in the world, you have an eighteen year old, kid?"

"Yes," she nods.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"You never told me," Jane responds, clearly hurt.

"Jane, I never told anyone. I was so ashamed, of all it. I didn't even tell my own mother. When she asked me why I didn't come visit our summer villa, in Italy, I told her that I was taking summer courses. I have lied to her, about it, for eighteen years."

"Why didn't you tell her?"

"She never would have understood."

"Yes, she would have. You wanted to be a doctor. You wouldn't be, if you had chosen differently."

"I would have been someone's mother."

"You still can be."

"They delivered him, a few weeks early, because he had gotten so big," she responds, coming up with an answer, as it falls from her lips.

"What do you mean?"

"Did I mention that his father was a linebacker."

"Don't be so dramatic."

"I'm not. He went on to be a linebacker, in the NFL. He was six foot seven."

"Oh."

"The baby was even bigger, than they expected. He ended up being over nine pounds."

"Wow."

"My uterus nearly ruptured. If I were ever to get pregnant, again, I would probably never make it to term. Not to mention, the fact that I'm thirty six, and the chances of me having another child, are next to nothing, at this point," she lies.

"That isn't a very scientific figure."

"The point is, I'm not going to ever be anyone's mother."

"Why didn't you ever tell me this?"

"I was, I am still ashamed. I gave my child up for adoption, because he would have been an inconvenience, in my life. Then, I rationalized it, but the bottom line is, I would have had to put my dreams on hold, and I was to selfish to do it."

"You were a kid. You were eighteen years old."

"It doesn't matter."

"So why did the adoption agency contact you?"

"They asked me if I would be interested in establishing contact."

"What did you say?"

"The same thing, that I say, every time, no."

"What do you mean, every time? Was it an open adoption?"

"No. They have no idea who I am, but since he was three, or four, every year, on his birthday, the agency calls. His parents call every year, and ask."

"Why would you say no?"

"I don't want him to be disappointed."

"Maura, his birthday wish, every year is to meet you. I don't think meeting you, would disappoint him."

"I just can't."

"Why not?"

"After everything I have gone through, I just don't want to do it, to someone else."

"Maura, that's selfish. He's not even asking for you to be part of his life, he just wants to meet you."

"Meeting me will bring up a lot of questions. Questions that I don't want to answer."

"You, of all people know how it feels, to have part of you missing. If you don't want to meet him, maybe you could write him a letter, or call him, on the phone. I don't think that would be too much to ask."

"You seem angry."

"You're being selfish. That is your kid."

"He is someone else's kid."

"You don't get it, do you?"

"What?"

"Where you come from, is part of your identity."


	6. And Lies

But, something doesn't set right, with Jane. Later, she researches Maura's story. The following morning, she meets Maura for a run.

"You look exhausted," Maura comments.

"I was up late."

"I'm sorry."

"I stayed up, after we finished talking."

"Oh."

"Maura, I am your best friend, aren't I?"

"Yes, why?"

"Why would you lie to me?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You lied to me," Jane confronts her, "Why?"

"I..."

"Have you really been lying so long, that you don't even remember the facts?"

Maura takes a seat on the park bench, realizing that there is not going to be much running.

"What do you mean?"

"Your story was a pile of rubbish."

"I..."

"There are no records, from ninety four."

"How do you know?"

"Because I investigated. Some of the things you told me, they just didn't sit right. I did some digging."

"Jane, I'm not a criminal, you don't have to dig into my background."

"You weren't eighteen, going on nineteen. It wasn't a nine plus pound boy. None of that was true. Was there any part of your story, that was true?"

"Yes."

"Why did you lie to me?"

"Jane, I know you. You want to fix everything. Sometimes you can't fix things. I didn't want you to try and reunite me. I..."

"You don't want to be bothered."

"No, it's not that," Maura argues.

"Then why did you lie?"

"I... am ashamed of the poor choices, that I made."

"You were old enough, to know better."

"I know."

"Should I start, or do you want to?"

"Start what?"

"With July tenth, nineteen ninety seven."

Maura swallows hard.

"When you gave birth, to daughter, who weighed six pounds, eight ounces."

"Jane, what did you do?"

"I did some research."

"You shouldn't have..."

"Tell me, what you did. Maura if there is one thing in this world, that I hate, more than anything, it's a liar. I am giving you a chance, to redeem yourself."

"I had just been accepted to medical school."

"And?"

"I didn't want to wait another year, to get in, because I chose to have a baby."

"How much of what you told me was really true?"

"Almost none of it."

"I don't understand, why you would lie to me?"

"I didn't want you to judge me."

"Lying to me, was not the way to prevent that."

"Clearly, I was old enough, to know better."

"Tell me what really happened."

"I got pregnant, and I wasn't ready to be a parent, that's what happened."

"That's all you're going to tell me?"

"I didn't think, that I could do it, on my own."

"The father? Did you tell him?"

"When I told him that I might be, he offered me money, to make it go away," she admits.

"But you didn't, why not?"

"Because I was young, and naive. I thought that he was the one. I thought that if I just waited, that he would warm up to the idea. I thought that he would change his mind."

"Why would you want to be with someone like that?"

"I thought that we could have a family, and live happily ever after."

"What changed?"

"A few days later, I mentioned it to him, again. He handed me a wad of cash, and told me to take care of it."

"Did you stay with him?"

"No, I broke up with him. I told him that I didn't want to be with someone like that."

"Does he know?"

"I never told him."

"Why not?"

"He would have denied it. I would have been alone, with a baby. My parents would have disowned me, and I would have had no means to care for her."

"Maura..."

"He didn't want a child, out of wedlock. He was afraid that it would tarnish his family name. Not to mention, he didn't want to be tied down. His parents would have made him marry me, and he wasn't ready to settle down."

"Maura, are you talking about Garrett?"

Maura simply nods.

"I wanted so badly, for things to work out, but I just couldn't stay with him."

"But you didn't want the baby, either."

"I did, I just wasn't ready. I wanted to give her, the same opportunities that I had."

"Why did the adoption agency contact you?"

"She has wanted to meet me, for a very long time."

"And why won't you meet her?"

"Because, I don't want to disrupt her life."

"I don't understand any of this."

"I am so sorry that I lied, but the more I rehearsed the truth in my head, the worse it sounded."

"So you just lied? You had to know that I would finds out."

"I didn't think that you would. I didn't think that you would be speaking to me, after I told you."

"Maura, why would you think that?"

"Why would you want to stick around, after everything you've just learned, about me? I am not the person that you think I am. Or at least, I haven't always been the person that you know."


	7. Filed

"It wasn't my intention to lie, but when the words started coming out, it wasn't the truth, and I just felt as if I had no control over it."

"You didn't want to look like the bad guy," Jane responds.

"What would you have done?"

"I would have done things differently."

"You don't want children," Maura reminds her.

"You do..." Jane counters.

"And I always have, but..."

"Sometimes I really wonder about you. You spend too much time thinking about what other people think."

"I think that this conversation is over," Maura answers.

Jane stomps off. Maura instantly regrets all of the things she's just said to Jane. She chooses not to run after her. Maura rubs her temples, hoping that Jane isn't as good of a detective, as she is thought to be. She prays, that she doesn't find out the truth, at least not all of it.

Jane thumbs through papers, in a box, in a musty basement, at the courthouse. She pulls out the file that she's looking floor. She puts the rest of the box on the floor. She examines the floor, and decides that it is clean enough to sit on, after she makes a barrier, with old newspaper. She takes a seat, on the floor, and begins to read.

When she finishes with the file of papers, she feels sick to her stomach. She stuffs the file under her arm, and returns the box, to it's shelf. She leaves the courthouse. She gets into her car, and places the file on the seat, next to her. She stares at it for a moment, and then puts the key in the ignition. She swallows hard, trying to get horrible thoughts out of her head.

Instead of going home, she goes to the Dirty Robber. She sits, in her regular booth, and orders a burger, and some beer. She hasn't even received her beer yet, when Maura comes in the door. She looks up, briefly, but then turns her attention to the crumbs on the table. She tries not to acknowledge Maura, when she stops at the end of the table.

"You're ignoring me now?" Maura questions.

Jane looks up, "If you're staying, I'm not."

"Jane, come on," Maura begs.

Jane furrows her brow, "Sit down, I want to talk to you, anyway."

The waitress comes up, with Jane's beer.

"I'm going to need a couple of shots of Jameson, too."

Maura eyes Jane, in confusion, "You never drink, whiskey."

"I do, on occasion."

"Since when? As long as I've known you, I've never seen you drink hard liquor."

"I'm not a nice drunk. That's why I have a drink, or two, and not anything stronger than champagne."

"Then why are you, today?"

"Drinking, is probably the only thing that is going to get me through this conversation, without cuffing you."

"What are you talking about?"

"I got my hands, on some case files."

"Oh."

"Maura, why did you lie to me?"

"I told you..."

"You didn't surrender her at birth, did you?" Jane gives Maura the chance to explain.

Maura swallows hard, "No."

"She was five and a half months old."

"I know."

"You signed the adoption papers on Christmas. What kind of a person does that?"

"A terrible one. I did everything wrong."

"Explain it to me."

"I thought that I could do it all. I thought I could take care of her, and go to medical school, but I couldn't. I was lucky to see her for ten minutes at night. And, when I did see her, she wasn't even awake. I couldn't do it, anymore, it wasn't fair."

"So you gave up your child, instead of giving up medical school?"

"Jane! It wasn't like that."

"Really? I mean you can always have another child, you only get to go to medical school once, right Maura?"

"Jane, you are way out of line."

"Am I?"

"I tried my best, but I was completely overwhelmed. I was only one person. I couldn't do it, on my own. I did, what was best for her."

"Did you?"

"Jane, don't ask that, it's not fair. I did everything I could, and it still wasn't good enough. I hate myself, ever single day, for the choice that I made."

"Why did you do it?"

"I came home one night, after finals, and she was wide awake. The sitter handed her to me, and left. She started screaming. She didn't even recognize me. She didn't know who I was. I didn't want her to have she same life, that I did. I didn't want her to have parents that she never saw. I wanted to be able to support her, on my own."

"But?"

"I couldn't do it all."

"So why didn't you give up medical school?"

"All I have ever wanted, was to be a doctor. I wanted to be the one supporting her, not my parents."

"Did they know?"

"No, I didn't tell them."

"Why not?"

"I hadn't seen them. I planned to go home on Christmas, and tell them, everything."

"But you didn't?"

"It was too hard. I just, couldn't do it. It was the hardest choice that I have ever had to make."

"How are you going to explain to her, that you chose medical school, over her?"

"I didn't. I gave her a chance, to have the childhood that I didn't. I gave her to a family, with two loving parents, in a stable environment. I couldn't give her that. If I had been able to, I would have."

"A lot of women, are single mothers. They do it every day."

"I know that. I don't think that you get it."

"Get what? How you could do it? No," Jane shakes her head.

"My whole life, I was so afraid to fail. And, the one thing that mattered the most, is the one thing, that I couldn't do. I tried so hard, and it just wasn't enough. I failed, my own child. I hate myself for that, every single day. Every day, something, will remind me of her, and I feel as if someone is sticking a knife into my chest."

"So why don't you want to meet her? Is it because you don't want to have to face her, and answer all of her questions?"

"How can I face her, when I can't even face myself?"


End file.
